The solution to a fight, an argument,difference of opinion,unthoughtfulness on the part of another person, unfair treatment, selfishness, egoism, disregard for another person's rights is not splitting up and finding other human beings to live with, but understanding what must be taught, time after time, through seeking to find solutions which are not perfect, but which are possible.
One lesson I tried to teach my children, from a very early age...was the fact that some things must never be said, no matter how hot the argument, no matter how angry one becomes, no matter how far one goes in feeling, "I don't care how much I hurt him or her."Some things are too much of a "luxury" ever to say. Some things are too great a price to pay for the momentary satisfaction of putting the other person down. Some things are like throwing indelible ink on a costly work of art, or smashing a priceless statue just to make a strong point in an argument. Saying certain things is an expense beyond all reason.
What is it that can never be put into words, which can't be erased and forgotten? What is it that one can resolve and succeed never to say during the lifetime of relationship with one person?
It is attacking the person in his or her most vulnerable, most sensitive, most insecure spot in life. It is pulling the rug out at a place where the other person felt there was a solid acceptance and understanding, without question. It is bringing up something from the other person's background which he has no control over and which carries with it painful memories of outsiders' lack of understanding. It is turning the one secure place in all of life into a suddenly exposed place of naked attack from which there is no place to run. At some point in the beginning of a relationship, it is of tremendous importance to decide inside yourself just what things are really "out of bounds," and to declare to yourself that you will never resort to say anything about; his or her big nose, deformities, lack of cultural or educational upbringing, and psychological fears or special weaknesses. Naturally it can't be too big a list, but there must be certain specific areas you rationally decide not to let "wild horses drag out of you." It is possible. It is a restraint that you can inflict upon yourself. It is a possible control. - Edith Schaeffer
I remember my mom would get after us if my sister and I called each other even so much as stupid. We were just not allowed to say things like that.I appreciate it as an adult because of careless comments by others to me. Some of those comments while in my heart I knew they weren't really true have changed my perception of myself in a negative way. It is important for all of us to guard our tongues. Think before speaking, think is this the way I want to be spoken to? - Pam
So very true. You can not truly communicate with another person if one is on the verbal attack. Even in anger, we can express our feelings without purposefully being cruel, without going for the low blows... if only more people would practice the art of "listening."
ReplyDelete"People hurt other people the most when they're trying to kill their own pain, real or imagined." -Frank J. Page